Our Lore
A history that predates history, but only slightly
— Drez-Mont, Probably
🌙 The Founding (A Love Story, Sort Of)
Contrary to popular belief, "Drez-Mont" is not a single entity. It is a ship name.
Drezetch, an unseelie archfey with a fondness for confusing contracts and collecting mortal confusion, met Vlamont, a great dragon (in humanoid form, for aesthetics) with a brooding disposition and a hoard of cursed artifacts, at a crossroads that existed in seventeen dimensions simultaneously.
Their romance was the stuff of legend — and by legend, we mean "deeply concerning to everyone who witnessed it." Drezetch would leave cryptic love notes in Vlamont's pocket dimensions. Vlamont would respond by cursing Drezetch's favorite quill to only write in riddles. It was toxic, it was eternal, and it was absolutely iconic.
When they finally decided to merge their considerable collections of weird artifacts and weirder business practices, the fae community did what it does best: they started shipping it hard.
✧ DREZ + VLAMONT = DREZ-MONT ✧
The name stuck. The merch followed. The rest is history — assuming history is a concept you believe in, which we don't particularly recommend.
Drezetch and Vlamont have not been seen together since the Great Inventory Argument of [YEAR REDACTED], but their ship sails eternal in our hearts and our profit margins.
🍄 Our Mission
At Drez-Mont Merch, we believe every mortal deserves access to mildly cursed merchandise at prices that don't technically involve money.
Our mission is threefold:
- ✧ To provide products that exist in a state of functional inconvenience
- ✧ To accept payment in forms that make accountants weep
- ✧ To blur the line between "customer" and "accomplice"
- ✧ To remind you that all purchases are final because time itself is final
We are not responsible for existential revelations that occur during checkout.
🦋 Our Team
Our staff consists of approximately 47 entities, give or take depending on which dimension you're measuring from. Some highlights:
✧ DrezMontMerch ✧
The Founder — The Only Founder — The Founder That Is And Isn't
DrezMontMerch is not a person. DrezMontMerch is not a place. DrezMontMerch is not a thing. DrezMontMerch is all of these and none of these. It is the whisper of a deal you didn't know you made. It is the glimmer of gold in a contract you can't quite read. It is whimsy weaponized. Capitalism, but make it fae.
No one has ever met DrezMontMerch. Everyone has met DrezMontMerch. It exists in the margins of receipts, in the fine print of your soul, in that moment between wanting something and realizing you've already bought it. It is everything. It is nothing. It is very good at marketing.
When asked for comment, DrezMontMerch responded: "▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓." We found this deeply meaningful.
DrezMontMerch is watching. DrezMontMerch is grateful. DrezMontMerch has already added something to your cart.
Founders in Spirit Only
They inspired the name. They do not run anything. They are too busy with... personal matters.
Drezetch (Chaos/Chaos/More Chaos)
Founder in Spirit Only — Unseelie Archfey
An unseelie archfey with an extensive collection of confusing contracts and a talent for making mortals question their life choices. Known for leaving cryptic love notes in pocket dimensions and laughing at jokes that haven't been told yet. Currently "on a break" from Vlamont, which has lasted approximately 300 years. Still very much in love. Will deny this if asked. Will also curse you for asking.
Unseelie Court Status: Officially chaotic. Unofficially: deeply dramatic about everything. Does not actually work here but shows up to argue about the ship name anyway.
Vlamont (He/Him/The Brooding One)
Founder in Spirit Only — Great Dragon
A great dragon — yes, an actual dragon, though he takes humanoid form for "aesthetic reasons" and because it's hard to organize inventory with claws — who collects cursed items, awkward silences, and grudges he refuses to explain. Takes credit for quality control despite not being employed here. Communicates primarily through dramatic sighs, ominous warnings, and the occasional wisp of smoke from his nostrils when annoyed.
Still very much in love with Drezetch. Will dramatically exit the room if you mention this. Will breathe fire if you mention "that other relationship."
Note: Some have claimed Vlamont is the "consort" of a certain arch-fey on our staff. This is corporate propaganda spread by our competitors and we do not acknowledge it. The shipping department has been instructed to burn all evidence. Drezetch and Vlamont are endgame. This is official company policy.
Aphelion, Arch-Fey of Reincarnation
Founder in Spirit Only — Arch-Fey of Reincarnation
An arch-fey whose domain is the cycle of rebirth, second chances, and "have you tried turning it off and on again?" Aphelion handles all return requests by offering customers the chance to be reincarnated as someone who didn't want a refund in the first place. Success rate: technically 100%. Complaints: immeasurable. Known for saying "death is just a transaction" at company meetings he was not invited to.
Maintains a professional working relationship with Vlamont that HR has been asked to stop investigating. Attends all company events despite not technically being on the payroll. Makes prolonged eye contact with Vlamont across the room while Drezetch pretends not to notice. The tension is palpable. We sell candles scented like it.
Note: Aphelion's presence may cause déjà vu, sudden memories of lives unlived, and an inexplicable urge to start over. Also: awkward silences when Drezetch enters the room. This is normal.
Actual Staff (Allegedly)
Scout the Wily
Unintended Co-Conspirator & Product Development
A wizard of questionable credentials but undeniable results. Scout is responsible for enchanting approximately 73% of our cursed inventory and 100% of our "oops, that wasn't supposed to do that" incidents. Known for experimental magic, creative interpretations of safety guidelines, and disappearing mid-conversation to "check on something brewing."
Scout has been trying to get out of his contract for 47 years. He insists he never signed anything. He is correct — he didn't. No one has told him this. We find his elaborate escape attempts entertaining, and honestly, his work has never been better than when he's motivated by the desperate hope of freedom.
Scout's official title changes weekly. Previous titles include: "Arcane Consultant," "That Wizard We Can't Fire," "Please Stop Enchanting the Coffee Machine," and most recently, "Why Are You Still Here, Scout? (Affectionate)"
Margot the Indifferent
Head of Customer "Care"
Has answered exactly zero customer inquiries correctly. This is intentional. Former life coach for lost travelers. Responds to all emails with "That's interesting" regardless of content. Employee of the Century for 17 centuries running.
The Moth
Silent Partner / Logistics
Handles all shipping, receiving, and ominous fluttering. Has never spoken, but its wing patterns have been known to predict market trends with 73% accuracy. Does not accept tips, only compliments delivered to lamps.
Employee #∞
Former Customer / Current Obligation
Tried to return a product. Solved the required riddle. Now bound by ancient bylaws to work the eternal shift. Surprisingly content with the dental plan.
🕯️ Our Values
We are guided by principles older than principle itself:
We are completely transparent about being completely opaque. What you see is what you get, assuming you can see at all.
Every item is handcrafted with intention. The intention varies. We do not control the intention. The intention controls us.
Our products are sourced from sustainable nightmares and ethically harvested regrets. Carbon neutral, emotion positive, reality adjacent.
Once you buy from us, you're family. Not in a warm way. In a "you're bound to us now" way. The holiday gatherings are mandatory.
📍 Visit Us (If You Can Find Us)
Physical Location: Our flagship store is now located on the Moon of Sellune, in a crater that doesn't appear on any maps, behind a rock that looks like every other rock, through a door that only exists when you're not looking directly at it.
Why the moon? Privacy. Ambiance. Tax purposes. Also — and we cannot stress this enough — the Wild Hunt cannot find us here.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: If anyone from the Wild Hunt asks, we moved. We don't know where. We've never heard of DrezMontMerch. This is a completely different moon-based retail establishment. Please do not make eye contact with any spectral riders. Do not accept any invitations to "ride eternal." Do not mention Drezetch, Vlamont, or the incident at the last Solstice party. We are not here. You were never here. None of this is happening.
Hours: We are open during hours that exist. Closed on days that don't. Sellune's day/night cycle is "optional" so we operate on vibes. If the door appears, we're open. If it doesn't, try wanting something harder.
Directions: Travel to Sellune (method: your problem). Look for the crater that feels like it's judging you. Walk toward the sensation of retail. Turn left at the feeling of déjà vu. If you hear hoofbeats, run. If you see us waving frantically and pointing at a "CLOSED" sign, the Hunt is nearby — please leave and come back in 1d4 business centuries.
Parking available in low-gravity lots. Broom valet on weekends. Do not park in the haunted crater — that's where the Wild Hunt checks first and also it's haunted.
— The Drez-Mont Merch Employee Handbook, Page ???